Holy Holy Holy Hell….
Saw two things today that made me say, ".... ...... ..........."
Yes. The Dark Knight is as good as you heard it is. Possibly better. I will say no more about it, instead, I will say, "Joss Whedon, you suck."
Not only did Joss create Dr. Horrible, but you made it so damned good that I loved it. Then, you went and finished it like that. I hate you I hate you I hate you, wanna cuddle?
-Jon
Oh. My. GOD!!!
Holy mother of God, there's going to be a Point Break Sequel... ... I know! I know! It's just crazy enough to work. I mean, they already made an alternate universe Point Break where cars replaced the surfing, and trucks replaced the banks... ... but, replacing the cars that were replacing surfing with surfing!? It's a world gone mad.
Seriously though, I really hope that this movie not only happens, but happens with The Swayze and The One. Because that'd be bitchin'. Moreso if The Swayze was all bed ridden and sick but running the bank-robbing gang from behind closed doors, hoarding all the money to build a giant super-genius fortress with robotic guards and ninja monkeys to keep him safe. I think that's what kept the first Point Break from really being a Mega-Super Hit movie... not enough robots or ninja monkeys.
-Jon
She's Just So Wonderful
How many people can say that they have a fiancé that will watch Live Free or Die Hard with them on a Friday night? Not many, that's how many.
But seriously, how completely awful is that movie? It's not as bad as Stealth (three time winner of the "Jon's Best Movie of the Year" award), but certainly not as good as Donald in Mathmagic Land (if you know where I can get a DVD of that, let me know, I crave it's Mathmagical goodness...). Really, John McClane is a fucking super-hero. In the last movie he flew, this time he got the everloving shit kicked out of him by Maggie Q then drove a car (needlessly) into an elevator shaft just to dangle for a while then watch her die. Later, he jumps not only onto the top of a moving semi-truck but also an F-35 fighter jet that was already in the process of crashing so he jumped onto a fallen freeway section that acted as a slide and "magical landing doesn't kill him" pad.
Although, the best parts are the sentimental moments at the end... where there's lots of middle-school style flirting going on between two ambulances using Dear John as a go-between. Seriously, they were one step shy of:
- John's Daughter: "Hey Dad! Could you go take that cute nerdy guy this note?"
- iMaMac: "OHMYGOD!!!! SHE WANTS ME TO CHECK YES OR NO IF I'LL BE HER BOYFRIEND!!! I'M GOING TO WRITE IN MAYBE JUST TO FUCK WITH HER!!!!!!!!"
- Daughter: MAYBE!?!?!? DAD!!!!!!!!!! MAKE HIM GIVE ME AN ANSWER!!!!!!
No. Really. They were almost there. And the writing I just made up in my half-asleep stupor? Better than 98% of the writing in the movie. However, they didn't waste any time getting to the needless and gratuitous violence, swearing (I watched the unrated version (read: R)), and the Bitchin-'Splosions™. So, I'm not complaining... it was, really, almost as wonderful and stupid as I hoped.
Also: I swore that I'd also mention that she did my laundry today. And I love her.
-Jon
Holy Mother of All that's Holy
I don't know if this is going to be good or bad, but my good sweet mother of lord do I want to see it. As the writer puts it, "And Ralph Macchio plays a mob boss who fights vampires. That's really all I need to know. I'll watch this movie."
-Jon
RoboCop
So, I'm watching RoboCop today and I realize there is a serious, serious, flaw in this movie. RoboCop comes onto the scene and people don't get it... he's weird. He's different. He's completely bulletproof. How long will it take for people in these movies to realize that if you're not packing one of the particular guns that happen to be effective on RoboCop you might as well just run away?
Ok... so, onto RoboCop 2. There is absolutely no preamble to this movie. It jumps right in and never bothers to waste time with a plot. Which seems perfect for this movie. I love the complete lack of thought you need to watch Orion movies from the 80s. RoboCop, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles... Terminator... ... well. Terminator was actually pretty damned good, but the others... you know... there's just something about watching a movie that you know will make you dumber. It's just so much fun. ... .... .... That's probably just the 80's in me talking, but I still enjoy it.
-Jon
Johnny…
There aren't that many good movies ON Demand. Which is fine... because I can find things like Hackers and Johnny Mnemonic. Which is awesome, because I named my new NFS Mnemosyne. Because it fit... Anyways, I'm thinking about the movie and there are a few things that I'd like to say about it, first off... It's not a bad movie... It's a terrible, awful, nothing good about it movie (except maybe the inevitable, "Woah..."). There are a few things that set it into the bad category. I'll make you a list:
- Henry Rollins as a cyber geek and not as the musclebound headcase he really is.
- That creepy guy who played Ron Camp in Ace Ventura
- Ice-T who's portrayal of J-Bone (Seriously... Ice-T as J-Bone? Am I the only one that thinks that's just silly?) makes his Mean Guns performance look Oscar worthy.
- The cyber enhanced dolphin. .. ... I'm going to say that again: The cyber enhanced dolphin
But, of all the things in the movie that put it in the bad category, I truly believe that it's Dolph Lundgren's turn as "The Street Preacher" that puts it right back into the "My God this is AWESOME" category.
-Jon
P.S. It's also possible that the abundance of throwing knives, bow and arrows, and crossbows has something to do with the awesome factor.
A Fistful of…
So, Fistful. Great movie. I can see why it's a classic, but I have two questions. First: Was it originally filmed in Italian? I couldn't tell. Clint was obviously speaking in the English, but everyone else, I'm not so sure. Second: What the hell man. Are you gonna pay the old man that put up with your shit through the movie or what? Seriously.
Ok, bed now.
-Jon
Best. Idea. Ever.
In the debate over what movie we should go watch, I had the best idea ever. It was inspired by Alanis. Really.
Check it: Transformers. With a girl. Who... you know. Goes down on you in a theater. BRILLIANT!
-Jon
Yippy Ki Yea Mother…
I have errands to run, and things to do. Before that I have to brush my teeth. Before that, I have to say that the new trailer for Die Hard 4.0 (the international title. Live Free or Die Hard is hyperlame) is everything I hoped it would be and more. I can't say in words how much I want to see this thing. It looks so completely over the top and ridiculous that I nearly pissed my pants with Stealth like Gleee(tm). Cars hitting helicopters, VTOL airplanes under an underpass shooting at a big rig, Justin Long, Timothy Olyphant (or however the hell you spell his name), Bruce Willis (looking ever so old and decrepit), and last, but not least -- Kevin Smith.
It's not going to be a Die Hard Movie. It's going to be a movie set in the Die Hard Universe after being taken over by the Predator. Or, Predator-like violence and expl-BOOOOOOMs. In this movie, I fully expect that the advertised badguy in Timothy "I was the Drug Dealer in Go" Olyphant will in fact be only a front for the real baddies... the Fireballs. The Fireballs that are spawned from the various 'splosions that McLane causes will rise up and slay their oppressors... most of the movie will deal not with John and his sidekick the Dodge Ball Kid, but rather the anarchy and rebellion of the humans as they fight their passionate, but ultimately futile, battle to save themselves. What? It could happen.
-Jon