Life
It's interesting... This site has existed in one form or another for almost 10 years now. Sometimes I still go back and read the things I used to write and its amazing both how much everything has changed and how completely reading those posts can take me back to a moment. Even the moments that weren't important come back as though they were yesterday. For that simultaneously grateful and terrified my son will find this.
Yup. Almost 10 years ago I started writing my inane ramblings so that I could have a voice that would broadcast to whoever wanted to read it. I thought that it could bring me my 15 minutes, and at the time I was pretty solidly convinced I was going to be alone forever. So I wrote, and It was almost as though I had something to say... As I look back I was mostly a scared, lonely, pissed off 20 year old. It's kind of amazing how the time that I started finding things that made me truly and deeply happy I just naturally stopped pissing and moaning on these here series of tubes.
I've been floundering a bit lately however; not because of any deep sadness or feeling of inadequacy (or any more than I've come to accept as normal), but more because I've lost myself a little bit in those things that I've been doing lately. Married now, and with child I find all I do is work and do those things that an adult is supposed to do... and play video games. I've lost that creative outlet that came with having a well maintained and manicured blog, and I've lost the creative outlet that was playing music out... and thats been kicking my ass a bit.
So, he here I go. I'm going to try to write, and be open in ways that make me more than just a little uncomfortable. We'll see how it goes... And in the interests in opening up, this entire thing has been written listening to music from the greatest decade. The decade at brought us leg warmers and spandex. Oh yeah, 80s represent.
-Jon
Too Long
It's been far too long since I posted something here. I've been incredibly busy with the boy and life, and I really don't have a whole lot to say. Which has been really messing with my head lately.
I used to have an over-abundance of mindless insanity to spew into this site. I could write for at least a few hundred words on damn near anything that might have happened in the day. These days I have nearly nothing to say about anything that happens to me, interesting or not.
I'm not sure what changed, but something is definitely different than it used to be. Could be I'm growing up and I don't feel like sharing as much of my life, but if that were true I probably wouldn't be posting to twitter about how I have a zit in an unfortunate place.
More than anything, I think it's that I don't have time. So, to anyone I ever judged for "not having time to blog," my bad.
HUGS!!!
-J
Tomorrow
I'm currently riding an Amtrak train from Kzoo back to the other side of the state to buy a van from my Mom. I have access to the complete internet because my phone works as a broadband-speed modem (even while traveling 80mph in a giant metal tube), I have multiple weeks worth of music in my pocket that I'm listening to (including such trash-pop icons such as Kelly Clarkson, Peaches, and Lady GaGa), and after I'm done with this post, I'm going to read about What to Expect when I'm expecting (or, my wife in this case).
I've been thinking about what it's going to mean to be a father a lot lately, as is probably expected from someone who recently realized that he's definitely, for sure, not sterile. Will I be a good father? Will I be able to help this little bundle of cells that is, as I type, growing "arm nubs" become a generally well adjusted, contributing member of society? Will I have any frame of reference to discuss anything with my child? That's the big one there... I'm terrified that I won't know what to say, how to say it, or what important things I need to listen to. I'm sure that throughout my childhood and adolescence I gave my parents all sorts of clues as to what was actually going on in my life and I'm sure that my interests made it increasingly difficult for them to talk to me.
Oh sure, when I was younger all I wanted to know about was dinosaurs and explosions in movies. But after about 9, I wanted to know not if Messrs. Stallone, Schwarzenegger, or Van Damme would be O.K., but rather what ratio of various explosive substances made it so that they were O.K.. I didn't want to know just how to play a video game, but I wanted to read the entire DOS/Windows manual (and I did. No really. On vacation. Because I'm cool). I fear that I'm going to become the old and jaded out of touch parent that (I always felt that) my parents were.
All in all, of course, they really did a good job by me. They let me learn my lessons in my own way, in my own time (sometimes in my own lots and lots and lots of time), and I just want to make sure that I'm going to be able to do that for my little Baby K.
-Jon
New Years Resolution
So What if I'm a little late on my resolution. I'm here, I'm... wait... no... that's not the right turn of phrase. I'm here, and I'm going to make my resolution late or not. I resolve to write more, write with a purpose and not just post things that follow this basic pattern:
- Bitch
- Bitch
- Bitch
- Mention that I pooped today
- Bitch
- More poop talk
- Bitch
- And I fart
As interesting as those posts can be, they just get... well... repetative. And lots of talking about brown. Anywyas, I've got a lot of work to do on the house, lots of things to do in the yard (speaking of poop -- I don't think you can comprehend how much crap my dog can create -- I'm speaking 1/2 his body weight in a day), and I need to start exercising again. I've been a bad, bad boy when it comes to exercise. But... that's another post. For tonight, I will vamoosh, but blog, I will be back sooner than later. That much, I promise.
-Jon
Four Years Ago
Four years ago I ranted in a semi-coherent manner regarding the election results. Today I slept more than I did last year, I'm reassured by my country, and I'm proud to have voted. I'm still worried about the future my children may inherit but I'm hopeful, which is more than I could say four years ago.
-Jon
It's Amazing
I was going to write about my lost sense of whimsy and my all-grown-up life. I've decided not to. Partly because it was getting depressing, but mostly because it was really bad writing. I just feel like I'm loosing a part of myself that I have always really loved, while at the same time I'm growing up and learning how to balance my checkbook and pay bills on time. It's weird that to gain one, I seem to be loosing the other. And damn it, I don't think that I have to.
I'm going to work on being less stressful, worried, and morose and I'm going to try to get back to some of the things that I really love (read: video games and being goofy in public). Hopefully working on that will help my writing here, because I've also really lost the whole desire to post about my life. Things are happening, but they always have to do with work and I don't like writing about the stupid questions I get or the silly directives from above. So... anyways, that's the short version.
-Jon
Damn…
Not gonna talk about stuff going on. Gonna instead mention that I've managed to do absolutely nothing of what I meant to get done this morning. Literally nothing. It's alright though. I've got tonight, tomorrow. I'll get stuff done. Just had to take a minute.
-Jon
Seriously, I Feel a Little Sick…
So, Mom and Dennis were out here this weekend helping B and I look at houses. We were all sorts of set on a house on out in the vicinity of the airport and instead we found a house somewhere near, possibly in, the vicinity of "The Zone."
- Casey: How do you know you're in the zone?
- Dan: (slams deck of cards down on the desk) Cut me.
- Casey: Danny, I--
- Dan: Cut the cards.
- Casey: (cuts the cards) Nine.
- Dan: (cuts) Jack.
- Casey: (cuts) Seven.
- Dan: (cuts) Eight.
- Casey: (cuts, challengingly) Queen.
- Dan: (braces himself, then cuts) Ace.
So, now we're in the process of figuring out offers, figuring out concessions, where do we want to put the couch, what do we do with the dog, is that really a hole in the roof... ... did I mention that "The Zone" the house occupies is right around the corner from "Ye Olde Sweat Equity Shoppe?" Yeah... so, it's not in perfect condition, but it's in move in condition (after a thorough cleaning, steam cleaning, bleach shower and possible delousing... ... ... have I ever mentioned how much I like hyperbole?). The thing is, I know I'm there, I'm ready, we're ready, everything is aligning just about perfectly for us to get into this house and away from sharing walls with strangers and creepy neighbor kids yelling into our windows at our dog because their grandma locks them out of the house during the day. And that's awesome, can't wait exciting kind of stuff... ... and I'm now nervous, anxious, and my stomach just decided to go wonky...
- Jeremy: Natalie, listen to me. You've lost a lot of money to me tonight. You're basically going to be living the rest of your life on a charitable grant from the Jeremy Goodwin Foundation. Take the hundred bucks back and fold.
- Natalie: Scared?
- Jeremy: I've got a straight. You've got three sevens.
- Natalie: You don't have a straight.
- Jeremy: Look at me. I'm not lying to you. I have a straight.
- Natalie: How do you know I don't have a big house?
So what's going to happen next is we're (almost 100%) gonna make a bid tomorrow. And that's when the whole thing can come falling down on our heads... Without talking any kind of specific, we're in a situation where I don't think that the lady has a realistic idea of what the house is really worth on the market today. B and I just think she's asking too much for the house, while at the same time we lust after it like a Sophomore does his Homecoming date, that is to say passionately. I just don't want her to say no to our offer. And that's what I've been thinking about for the last hour. "What if she says no? What if she says no? What if she says no? What if she says no? [ad infinitum...]"
- Jeremy: Isaac, I don't know if you heard. Six this morning there was a bid from an Italian airline called Platypus.
- Isaac: Yeah. Keep it under your hat, would you?
- Jeremy: You bet.
So now we're going to have to leave it up to "la forza del destino" or "The Power of Fate." And I hate waiting for Fate to work her mojo, so please, if you have an in with her... just ask her to get a move on, would'ja?
-Jon
P.S.: All the various scrip segments were excerpts from the incomparable "Sport Night" by Aaron Sorkin. Used without permission, with moxy.
Rolls and Ruts
I'd been on a pretty good roll of keeping something posted on here most every day for a while. Then I failed. Fell off the wagon... whatever. There are many things that seem to have fallen into that category. Things I used to do a lot. Video games, the bar, playing music, writing, whatever. Seems that life has taken priority to being creative and playing video games. That's something that I would like to change, however.
I read about a columnist for some newspaper that is going to go screenless one night a week, every week for a whole year. Screenless being no movies, tvs, cell phones, computers, pagers, or anything else with a screen. Taking that time to instead read, or write (on paper) or spend time with friends and family. I like that idea, and while I'll probably not be able to get myself to that level of screen abstention I'm gonna try, every once in a while, to spend more time for my friends and family (and dog), and less time for work and sleep. Because, I'll always be able to find more work or sleep later, right?
-Jon
Let's Translate to English
I was going to write a post about how the upgrade of the back end of the site has broken some stuff. But I don't wanna do that anymore. What I want to do is get my mojo back. I've been in a interfunk for a while now, and I can't seem to find my passion for the site anymore. I'm going to get back into this stuff a little. I'll get the site working, but... well... Today, I just don't care. I'm going to stop writing for a few days, stop forcing myself to just vomit text onto the series of tubes that our internet has become.
I'm not, however, going to give up. I just need to find that thing that made me give a shit about writing here. I'll get there. And maybe I'll get back to writing with a purpose. One can hope, eh?
-Jon