Holy. Crap.
I can't describe how much stubbing one's toe three times in four hours sucks.
-Jon
Well Punch Me in the Face and Call Me Betty
So. This morning I was installing a security update on my lappy. All was well in the world. Except, apparently not. When B hit the "The System Needs to be Restarted" button my computer's little brain went *Pop!*
Now, after an hour on the line with AppleCare, I get to reinstall the whole motherfucker. The only good thing that comes out of this is that I don't loose all my schtuff. I only get to restart my users, find the files hidden away in a archive folder and move everything around back to the way it was. Damnit.
And I was going to spend my time this weekend packing (I still will, but my computer will piss me off for a while).
-Jon
Cinnamon, You Have Fooled Me Again for the Last Time…
Seriously, if you have the choice between swallowing a teaspoon of cinnamon and not... I'd choose not. I feel less than good. Really.
-Jon
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p>P.S. That being said, I didn't puke. ... ... ... I also didn't try a whole tablespoon, and that's what the crazy people on the internet are doing.
It Hits the Fan
So, if you haven't read parts one or two I suggest you bone up before heading into the stunning and shocking conclusion of the Great Surgery Epic '07.
So... last we were with our hapless hero, he had just woken up in the recovery room. Ok. Enough with the third person. So, I woke up, and they wouldn't let B come into the room to see me. Why? They were "too busy." Right. I call bullshit. I saw two people in the room. Myself and me. ... ... Granted, I was pretty high on anesthetics and pain killers. So, even when I saw myself, it was because I was flying through trees in Madagascar, so I'm not going to take my word for it. Maybe they were busy in surgery recovery. At 11:00pm on a Tuesday. Maybe there were a lot of people who were waking up after having tubes stuck down their throats, maybe they're just lazy and they hate me. Who knows? Not me.
Anyways, after asking for my fiancé many many times (and ice chips. I was thirsty), they finally took me back up to my room. I don't remember if Aaron and Jen were still there, but B was. And the made sure I got into bed, and then went home. She'd been there for the better part of like, 9 hours at that point, so I didn't mind. Also: I was still high, so I'm not entirely sure I knew which was was up.
So, through the night I was checked up on each and every hour. Seriously, I think they were checking to make sure that I wasn't going to die, but it was really freaking annoying. Every hour, on the hour (give or take) I was woken up, they checked my pulse, temperature, etc, etc... Until five. At five I couldn't fall back asleep. I tried, but I had to pee (couldn't), tried to get comfortable (couldn't), tried to ignore they guy down the hall screaming, "ahh!!! AHHHH!!! HELP!!! HELP ME!!!!! AHHHH!!!!!!! NO! NO! PLEASE!!! NO PLEASE!!!!!!! (no. No, I'm not kidding. At all. Even a bit. And yes, it was disturbing in the worst way, but in hindsight, I can laugh. Nervously... ... then change the subject).
So, I mentioned back there that I tried to pee and couldn't. That'll come back to us in a bit, but first let's talk about B getting their just after eight. Because she's wonderful. Seriously, she came to be with me and do nothing. I think we watched Law and Order on TV for a while. We went on a walk, and it was at this point that I realized that I was really screwed up. Like for reals yo, surgery is no joke. I made it about 30 feet outside the door of my room and had to turn around. Not wanted to turn around, not even I was in pain and decided it would be a good idea to turn around, I mean I was so damned winded by 30 feet I had to turn around out of fear of collapsing and rupturing something.
At this point it was time to try and pee again (or so "The Man," aka The Nurse, told me) and so I went and tried. Couldn't. Tried again an hour later, couldn't. That was the point at which they started talking to me seriously about "voiding." "So, when was the last time you voided you bladder?" "Uh... maybe... 4 o'clock yesterday afternoon?" "Yeah.... so.... we might need to do a straight cath." "Uh. Yeah. uh... ok..."
Strangest. Thing. Ever. It didn't hurt, it was just weird. Like, walking from one room to another one where everything is upside down? That'd be normal compared to the array of sensations you feel when a woman shoves a tube down your... you know. The best part? Yeah, she couldn't get it to go in, had to ask for help, while it was still in there, the surgeon came in to check up on me, and he did it. So, I'll sum up. Three nurses, one surgeon and my fiancé all got to see a tube just chilling in me. And I learned a very important lesson. When staying in the hospital you can not have any privacy, modesty or be self conscious in any way.
Anyways, after that I went on a few walks, peed on my own twice, had lunch and was finally allowed to go home in the late afternoon. The short version of the next few days is as follows: Wake up in the morning. Eat breakfast. Nap for three hours. Eat dinner. Have a good late evening cry. Nap. Then go to bed. Repeat for three days. Day four my routine changed because my last nap before bed went right out.
But it was day two after the surgery that really blew my mind. That was the day I got the phonecall.
- Hello?
- Yes, is Jon there?
- Yeah.
- Hi, this is Dr. Name-withheld. I just got the path report on your appendix.
- Yeah?
- Yes, it was totally healthy.
- Uh... ... yeah? so... what's that mean?
- Well, I think that it was just a bacterial thing masquerading as appendicitis. But I was to do a colonoscopy to make sure. We should hold off on that until you get healed up a bit though.
Yup. So that was pretty much the end of my Adventure through Appendicitis (that wasn't). And, honestly kids. I think there's an important lesson to be learned here. If you have a severe pain in your side and can't walk without crying, don't go to the ER. You'll have unnecessary surgery then get told you need to have a camera shoved up your bum.
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p class="signoff">-Jon
Well Shit part 2.
Please seem my Emmy Award winning (and Nobel nominated) piece, "Well Shit" prior to reading this soon to be award winning piece.
So. I have appendicitis. Which sucks all sorts of hard. They did, however give me some serious IV pain meds. Which actually didn't help as much as I'd have expected. It was weird, I was stoned, out of it, didn't care about fuckall, but... I still hurt. Anyways, the surgical resident or as I like to call him, Flathead McBalderton (I'm not saying he wasn't nice, or competent, but all I can remember about him is that he was bald with a flat head), poked and prodded, tapped and pushed, rolled and pinched, and then wasn't sure that I'd get cut that night or the next morning. See, the places he was poking and rolling weren't quite the right place. So, then the actual surgeon came in and poked in one place. One place exactly. I convulsed, and he said, "OK, it'll come out tonight."
Then there was a whole lot more waiting. A whole lot more pain, and a fair amount of Nervous. Eventually they took me up to my room, which I was in for all of 45 seconds before they came to get me prepped for surgery. So, you know, more rolling pain. As I rolled out, Aaron and Jen showed up to keep B company whilst I was pulled apart and put back together (apparently there are bargains and bargains).
So, they take me down to the prep room, and just leave me there. This was about 15 minutes after my pain meds wore off and no one had offered me anything. And I was in a weirdly green sterile room. And I didn't feel like it was time to ask, so I just sat there. Hurting. Then the anesthesiologist came in and asked me a few questions, looked down my throat (apparently, it was nice and big... which is always what I like guys looking down my throat being happy about). Finally I asked to get something for the pain and they gave me another shot. About 20 seconds later I had to ask, "Do you care if I stay awake?" "Nope." "Aight, peace out."
I was in and out for a while then they rolled me into the O.R.. From this point, I remember helping them get me on the table, putting a mask on, and then waking up asking for B.
That's all I got right now. I'll go into recovery later. Peace folks.
-Jon
Well Shit
So. A thing happened. Here's the skinny:
Woke up yesterday when the Maggleface decided it was time to go to the bathroom. He was all like, "Dad! Dad! It's five thirty in the morning! Let's go PEE!!!! YOU READY YOU READY YOU READY YOU READY?!?!?" And I believe my response consisted of something along the lines of, "Uh... grumblegrumblegrumblegrumblewhere'remypants?" And after he went and evacuated his bladder, I got back in bed and was like, "Huh... my side kinda hurts. Feels like I pulled a muscle in my side. Weird. I didn't do any extreme cage fighting last night..." And then I didn't sleep very well until the little fluffball decided it was time to poop at about 7:30. He pooped and I was like, "Huh... I still kinda hurt. Am I sure I didn't do any cage-fighting last night? Sure feels like I might've..." But I didn't. I had no way of knowing, but I didn't have a clue what cage-fighting pain was like. Not yet at least.
So, I played some computer games and chilled out with the dog until the fiancé woke up and we went to Big Boy. Still in some pain, I ate some eggs, sausage and a bite of her patty melt. Yes. She had a patty melt for breakfast, and that is the reason I love her. So we hung out there for a while and then we started heading over to Meijer, where we were going to be doing the hell out of some shopping. But, my side was still being all, "DUDE! I HURT!!! CHECK ME OUT!" So, at the insistence of B I called my Doctor and told them what was up and set up an appointment for a few hours later. So then we went and shopped. Went home and chilled for a bit before the Doc's appointment.
So, then to the doctor. Which was a thing. Got to answer a bunch of questions about what was going on then he started to poke me. And that's when I learned what pain was. Here's what happened:
*Poke*
"That's fine."
*Poke*
"That's fine."
*Poke*
"That's fine."
*Poke*
"DEAR SWEET MOTHER OF ALL THAT'S HOLY WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!*
So, he sent me to the ER and gosh darn it if that's not when the fun started. Couple hours into the ER visit, B was still with me, Robbie and Lola came to visit and I got diagnosed with acute appendicitis. Which I promise you, is more fun that it sounds. Anyways, I've gotta take a nap, so I'll give the skinny on what happened from the diagnosis until now when I got home a little bit later. Peace ya'll.
-Jon
Radioshack, You're on Notice
What. The. Fuck. I've been a avid user and advocate of the last do-it-yourself electronics retail store for years. I've gone in to get equipment for projects and been offered jobs. I've struck up a relationship with the manager of a store that got me all sorts of feel-goodness. So I ask you, Radioshack, why hast thou forsaken me? Seriously. What the fuck?
So, here's the deal. I've been a man of many electronic components for years. I haven't had to actually go to a store to purchase cabling for my TV set up in... we'll say 10 years to not be silly, but it's probably closer to twice that. Really. (WARNING! TECHNOBABBLE AHEAD!!! WARNING!!!) But, on the occasion that I've needed to get a RCA -> 1/8in Stereo cable or some other less-common (such as two mono 1/4in -> 1/8 in stereo or somesuch) Radioshack has always been a safe haven of cheap-ass cabling. Until yesterday. Yesterday I decided to fix the setup downstairs at the house. See, right now we have two devices capable of playing DVDs. One is the lappy the other is the StayPlationDos. Neither are convenient if we want to watch movies, say, together. If I want to watch a movie while sitting on the not-so-comfy chairs at the table? Rawk, I got the setup to end all setups. If I want to relax and not have my ass start throbbing from being subjected to one of the worlds less comfy chairs? Not so much. Anyways...
So I went to Radioshack last night when I found out there was one by our house (thinking: "Hey! I could start doing projects again!") And to my dismay, they only sell RCA cabling in the assfuckretarded style of Monster Cable. Oh, and the $30 Radioshack off-brand Monster Cable. Seriously. If I had been in a bad mood when I got there I would have demanded to talk to the CEO, then I would've made a joke about how he was probably back at college fixing his resume. And they wouldn't have gotten the joke. But it would've been a hella-sweet burn. Oh yeah.. .. ... ..... .... anyhoo. So. Seriously. $30 was the cheapest they were able to get for RCA video cabling. And RCA video cabling is something that, unless you own a $10,000 home theater you really don't need to spend more than $3 on. Seriously. If you have a Standard Def TV (ie: square, not wide) you (as far as I'm concerned) shouldn't spend money on cabling and they should be given to you. Sure, a $30 cable would improve the picture, in theory. The thing is, with ~480 lines of resolution (versus the 720 or 1080 for HD) you really won't see the difference. With less than 35+in? You won't see the difference. I have not-so-hot components, feeding a clearance-from-Blockbuster AV switcher, feeding a TV from the 90's. I owe it to myself to not give two shits about what AV cable fits one part of the chain. The end result is going to be so degraded by link or another it doesn't matter, but now I don't even have the choice to purchase a shitty cable. I ask again. What the fuck?
-Jon
Red Wings Down = Blackberry Down
I'm a complete dumbass. I just killed my phone. Killed it dead. Like, LCD cracked, no display, dead. Why? What could have been so upsetting to Jon that he felt that he had to take it out on his phone? Why, the Blackhawks scoring against the Red Wings. That's what. How big of a dumbass is Jon? This big. [-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------]
Pretty big, eh?
-Jon
Never Again
I've been cooking for a long time. Playing with sharp knives in my kitchen for a long time. I've been doing it all without incident or accident. Until today. Today I cut myself damned good. Two fingers, one deep the other no so deep. I've been bleeding off and on all day, and the advice of a doctor was, "Yeah. Most finger lacerations can be fixed with a band-aid, you'll probably want to change it tonight." .. ... ... yup. That's some good advice. Except I had to keep cooking. And so I kept bleeding. Three band-aids later, and one very well used latex glove, I'm not sure it's stopped bleeding yet. But, whatever. I made some kickass mac'n'cheese and I made one hell of a eggplant parmesan. Because I can cook through pain. I am a real man.
-Jon
Hard Day.
So, today I had to say goodbye. There is a long version of the story, and a short, but... the short version is that Molly wasn't well. We loved her, did the best that could've been done, but... she wasn't happy and there wasn't anything that could be done about it. So today we said goodbye to her. Which was one of the harder things I've done.
Today I've cried. It's true. I cry. Whatever, I'm still a man, and I can play football and make other people bleed, but... I cry. That does not make me less of a man. I miss her terribly, but, it was really the best thing that could be done, and... ... well... yeah.
Today we also welcomed another entry into the Hameya family. B met a dog while she was at an adoption event talking to a shelter lady about Molly. She fell mildly in love and, well... I brought him home today. His name is Magglio Jong Il Rasputin Hammond Kameya IV. It's possible that this name is longer than it needs to be, but... in case (or more accurately, when) he mis-behaves I'll have a long, proper, name to mutter under my breath as he lays there and stays cute.
I really don't have anything else that I want to say so I guess that I'm going to jet out of this place. Chill Ya'll.
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p class="signoff">-Jon