Clichéd Open Letter to The Heroes Creative Team
Dear Mr. Kring, etc.,
I know the whole, "Open Letter" thing is now so common it's a joke. I'm also confident I'm not the first to voice my disapproval of Heroes of late but, dammit, I just can't keep it in anymore. Mr. Kring, you're killing your show.
First off: why, oh why, can you just not follow the rules you've set? You start off with a few people having abilities, all of them seemingly getting them from their parents. Only, if they get the same ability (Matt Parkman, Sylar) or a different one is totally arbitrary and serves only the plot. But then, why does Parkman suddenly get the crazy eyes and painting ability. He didn't even get it from anything. Apropos of nothing, suddenly he was "a prophet." Then he stops painting, but we don't know if he can't or doesn't. So, what is it? Does he see the future? Does he not? Was it a weird manifestation of swine flu?
Second: If you make a character have strong morals, extreme ethics, and the ability to take any other ability... don't you think he'd do something about loosing the girl he loves in a horrible dystopian future as a prisoner? Maybe he could take his time-traveling friend's ability so that he can go save her? No? Ok, how about get his time-traveling friend to take him to the future to help? No? Maybe... mourn? Even just mention her... to anyone... ever. No? Ah-ha! I get it! Having a character make any fucking sense is apparently anathema to you and yours. Asshole.
The biggest thing I've been having a problem with is your immortal characters. And not just the cheerleader. Let me ask you this, why don't you give your story some sort of emotional weight by killing off a character? What? Oh, Veronica Mars? You want to use the Veronica Mars defense? Ok, how's about the "Who Gives a Crap" gambit? You haven't heard of that one? Ok, it goes like this. No one gives a crap if you kill off a character you introduced that season that has no moral center and is, frankly, mostly annoying. Any other characters that you introduced only to die before you could make them interesting enough for us to care? Nope, we don't care about them either. You have a huge cast of really interesting characters that people love. They would be well-served to be thinned out like the deer population. Kill off a few so that the others can thrive.
No, seriously. I stopped caring about these people because they are immortal like Jack Bauer; except it's a very different show you're running. Sure, Jack Bauer has testes the size of an elephant and can yell hard enough to get that vein in his forehead this close to popping; but he's the show. He is the show. After 6 full seasons and most of a seventh, if he died, it's because they were ending the show. In the universe of 24 if Jack Bauer wasn't alive to be in the right place at the right time to do something just outside the rules, the terrorists would win. Always. In Heroes you have a bunch of people who, literally, have super powers. Show us that they are, in fact, human. Kill one and let them be dead. Don't bring back Ali Larter to be her heretofore unknown third identical. Or, if you do, MAKE IT INTERESTING! Have Nathan have some sort of crisis of conscience about screwing this girl that looks just like that other girl he screwed. Have ice-girl have the thought that maybe Nathan isn't really into her, but he's really just trying to relive the crazy Vegas weekend he had with her twin that she never met. Maybe just have someone else comment on the fact that it's really screwed up and nearly incestuous that he's just going around boinking the triplets-McSuper.
Oh, and killing off Nathan in the Volume 5 finale? Yeah. Would've loved it if you had let him just, for the love of all that's holy, let him stay dead. But no, that just isn't good enough for you. Suddenly Matt Parkman is able to make Sylar forget who he is to the point that he's no longer a threat. What? Where was that four seasons ago? By giving Parkman's ability that kind of power (weird sentence, but that was seriously the best I could do) is to make the previous everything-that-has-happened-on-your-show meaningless. It could have ended the first time Matt met Sylar. Maybe stretching it out to the third... sure. But... four seasons? Blow me.
I'll give "Volume" 5 three episodes. If you don't let Bryan Fuller do what he does best (and that would be: Make a show that contains insane fantastical elements make sense(Pushing Daisies anyone?)) we won't be on speaking terms.
-Jon
Am I Completely Stupid?
Seriously. I just started looking up info on how to set up my new übertube. I want to ride the cable companies tubes to mind-numbing nirvana and to do that, gol durn it, I'm gonna need my brightness set right, my contrast set right, and everything else set (think I'm gonna say "right" don'tcha?) just so. In order to do this I, ideally, need a übertube setup DVD to set all the levels etc. However, I just read a few things that -- given my geek quotient (which was apparently lower than I thought, and is now back to an appropriate level) -- shocked the everliving hell out of me.
For TV settings, if it was labeled Black Levels and White Levels instead of Brightness and Contrast, I'd've understood how to set that shit right ages ago. Why? Because I've understood black and white levels since my high school days of screwing with Photoshop, Brightness and contrast? Well shucks, I just thought they controlled... you know. The brightness and contrast. Which they kind of do, at least in terms of end result, kind of... but more as a tertiary function of actually controlling the black levels and white levels!!!.
For those not in the know (and, why would you when the industry that should've taken the time to tell you decided to treat you like a retarded monkey) Black and White Levels control how black blacks appear and how white whites appear. But let's go over it in English, shall we? Black levels when increased will mean that the range of luminosities on your display that appear black will be shallower -- example: everything that should be black will look gray if set too high. The thing of it is... ... no. No. no. I'm not going to turn this into a lecture of something I'm not an expert in. But. Really, the "brightness" control will make things look brighter, but only becase you're telling the tube to not show any actual black. Watch your TV sometime, if you're watching a DVD and the letterboxing (you're watching in letterbox right?) is gray instead of a deep deep black, you're settings are wrong. And sure, it's your choice, but really, it's wrong.
And yes. I am actually angry about this. And yes, much of the anger is directed at myself. It's taken me this long to learn this? For real?
Seriously. Am I the only one that think that treating a society like idiots that you will only create a society of idiots?
-Jon
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p>P.S. If you want to make yourself a test pattern DVD to set everything up right, you can.
17 16 Days
I've not got long to go now. Just about 2 weeks exactly... so, I'm a bit freaked completely, and ready to jump out of my skin. Not because I'm going to get married, that's not worrying in the slightest (that I am now going to be (because of some insane sense of machismo that has somehow managed to implant itself in me from who knows where) responsible for making sure that my wife can eat and that our house doesn't fall down (which, interestingly enough -- not doing such a good job on that house not falling down thing right now, but that's another show)... that's a whole different stress). Woah. Very parenthetical just then...
No, my stress is not so much from the getting married, it's the what do I say to someone that I'm getting married to? How best do I tell her just how much I love her and what it is, exactly, that I promise that I will (or won't) do in our marriage? Yeah, writing my vows. What a pain in the ass. I'm good at prattling on about how frustrating something is, but... actually writing out how I feel? Not so much my strong suit.
Anyways, I'm about seventeen versions in, I started (mostly) over today, and now I'm severely doubting what I wrote today. So, you know, that's sweet. Anwyays, I'm going to go watch Fringe on Hulu. It's weird -- like X-Files / Lost weird. Might like it, might not. Let's go find out.
-Jon
Burn Notice.
Seriously, Hulu. I love you. You have allowed me to see the original Starbuck, watch some Tick, and discover the Incredible Chin in one of his better performances in Burn Notice.
Seriously, it's pretty darned good. It's silly goofy fun and I love it. That combined with the fact that B is out of town for her Bachelorette party/Bridal Shower (I GOT SOUP CROCKS!!!!!), and good ol' Jonny boy can't sleep so well. So, here's guessing that I'll be up watching Burn Notice until four in the a.m.. It's a pretty good bet that I'll be a wreck for work tomorrow. Ahh well. Such is life.
Anyways, I'm out. G'night.
-Jon
What Do You Think?
- Is it "really girly" to wake up early, throw on whatever clothes you can find, leave your dog along to fend for himself and go to pick up your wedding band from the Post Office?
- Is it "cool" to set-up a 30 Rock playlist on Hulu that you can watch in the background while you work through your iPhoto Library and keyword everything (including keywords such as "Cups" "Frogs" and "Tongue")?
- Is Hamburger Helper part of a healthy breakfast?
- Does Jon need constant supervision to not become a complete wreck of a human being doing nothing but watching shows on Hulu, interacting with his computer, feeding his dog and thinking about things like the ramifications adding red pepper and onion to a Hamburger Helper meal?
-Jon
P.S. The answers, by the way, are: Yes, No, No, Yes.
Sex and the City… … and I need Headphones
So. B has been on a Sex (as in "and the City") kick. Seriously, not two weeks after I got her into Battlestar Galactica, she's got me watching Sex and the City. Which isn't like, the most natural thing in the world for me to watch. I don't have to watch it alone though... I have Ernest Borgnine. Seriously. I have a completely inapropriate excitement in my pants over Hulu. Seriously, I heard about this a while ago... a joint venture between NBC and News Corp. Read another way: A joint venture between two of the more evil companies in the world. One cancelled two Sorkin shows (after firing him from his own creation), the other is run by the guy trying to own and operate all media in the world.
Anyways, I figured it'd be annoying and suck. But, no kidding, if you're offering me Airwolf, In Living Color, Who's the Boss and the Facts of Life... then good lord people, let me in, let me have it and then send me a large tv I can hook a Macmini up to so I don't have to screw around at a table with my computer.
Seriously, I'm going to go watch some Airwolf and ignore the insane ramblings of Kim Cattrall and Sarah Jessica...
-Jon
Uh.. well… uh… … … huh.
I'm simultaneously having a geekgasm the likes of which haven't been seen since Valeri Polyakov completed his 366th day aboard Mir setting in motion a series of geekgasms that resulted in the Great Hanshin Earthquake of '95 (is it possible I spent too much time doing reasearch for the opening paragraph of this post? Yes.), and I'm also suffering from the depression that sets in when you know that civilization as you know it will come to an end. Because of Knight Rider.
New Knight Rider? Excited. New car is going to be a Shelby GT 500? Super excited and wetting my pants. William Daniels no longer voicing KITT? Exceptionally sad, Michael. Will Arnett voicing KITT? uh... is it just me or did the universe suddenly just stop, start giggling like a schoolgirl on nitrous and then explode?
Seriously. I just don't know what to think about Gob Bluth becoming one of my most beloved (oh hell, they're all beloved) childhood television characters. Could be good, could be bad. I just figure that either way it'll be extreme. To the limit.
-Jon
Writers Strike and Me
So, the writer's strike is still going on, and seriously... good for them. Don't let the man keep you down guys and gals. But, please please please, don't interfere with what may possibly be the best moment of 2008. Please, keep the strike going (not that the AMPTP is going to make that difficult) until NBC decides to launch what may possibly be the absolutely best idea ever. Please let NBC launch a new network to support it. Please. I beg you. Bring me my Nitro, my Turbo, my Blaze and my Ice. Bring back the American Gladiators forever.
Seriously though, Writers, I know. I know you've already pushed up the date, and I know that you did it for me. So I thank you. I would like you to come back to your jobs just as soon as the fuckwads... ... err... AMPTP decide that paying you for online distribution would -- you know -- be right, so that you could change the names of a couple of the Gladiators. According to Wikipedia they will be named Hammer, Justice, Mayhem, Titan, Militia, Toa, and Wolf for the male Gladiators. Blast, Crush (MMA fighter Gina Carano), Fury, Venom, Siren, Stealth, and Helga make up the names for the female Gladiators. But seriously, Toa? Helga? Why the hell does every female gladiator get a name that is (with the exception of Siren) based on a mega-man charachter or a Marvel Comic character (Blastman, Crushman, Nick Fury, Venom, Venus/Siren, Stealthman (ok, there isn't a Stealthman in Megaman -- just give it time people)) except Helga. Seriously, if she doesn't wear an opera bra and a viking helmet I'll be pissed. I also think that naming the men after mayhem and militias is silly.
So, anyways, I think I'm going to take the night of January 6th off just to get all kinds of drunk at a bar and watch grown men wrestle and climb shit while wearing leotards. The women, I expect, will be scary.
-Jon
Seasons Change…
Veronica Mars is a fantastic show. It's first season concluded with... ... well... I'm not a spoiler whore now, am I? It concluded. The show was just well done. Better than most, definitely better than anything else I've seen this season, excepting -- of course -- House M.D.. There was a void that needed filling in the post Buffy era of Television and Veronica filled that void splendidly. The witty retorts, the "I'm a Kickass Chick," the wonderful halter tops.
Ok. I don't know what a halter top is. Fine. It's still a great show. I'm looking forward to watching season two. Really, the only problems I have with the show right now are with the whole... ... ... well, the way they're leading into season two is irritating at worst, expected at best. But it's still a bother. Kinda like when Pooh wants honey, and it's not just chillin' out waiting for him. It's a bother. Ya dig? Anyways, go watch Veronica Mars. Possibly not quite good enough (yet... if Season Two really owns, then who knows) for a DVD purchase, definitely worth TiVo'ing or renting. Absolutely worth seeing. I give it a solid 19.
P.S. Two things : 1) First -- For those of you wondering what the score of 19 means. .. ... I have no idea. It was a number, it seemed to fit. 2) Second -- No one cares, but the Post Scripts of my posts will cease to exist after I switch over to the new system. I have the "-Jon" part built into the template in such a way that a post script just won't work. That might mean that I'll have to *gasp* fit all I have to say into the body of my post. What in the world could that mean?