Wait… What? Christmas?!
This time of year is a favorite of mine. My birthday, Christmas, New Years and a s*t ton of snow... ... ... which is why I didn't get excited for my birthday, I just realized that tomorrow is, in fact, Christmas. It's not some fake Christmas that's just trying to be Christmas only all it manages is grey skies and drizzle. Stupid drizzle (and not the cool Snoop Dogg drizzle... for shizzle).
Honestly, I don't think that Christmas is trying hard enough this year. Seriously, it's Christmas Eve and I'm not angry every time I hear a Christmas song... which seems somehow wrong to me. Usually by this time I've been hearing Christmas music since three days after the fourth of July, and Christmas decorations have been up since the day after Labor Day... right? Do you feel me here? I mean, sure, there's the holiday shopping rush. Kind of. I didn't hear about anyone getting shot for a stuffed animal this year. I mean, yeah, I think someone got gangland-style shanked for a PS3, but that's different. Video gamers are supposed to be violent and impulsive. It's just not Christmas without at least one story of a mom in her late 30's kicking the ever living crap out of an elderly grandmother for the newest "Look I'm a Whore - And your Daughter Will want to look just like me" doll on the market. So, Christmas... you're officially on Notice. Next year, I don't want you to hold back. Next year I hope that you'll get "Santa Baby" (perhaps the single most ear piercing mind melting piece of Christmas drivle to ever have been produced) on the radio no later than April. Because that way, by this point, I'll be happy you're here... I'll be happy you're leaving, but at least I won't feel like you were just half-assing it. This year feels so non-Christmassy... I don't get it.
-Jon
Bedtime
So, here it is, 9:30 in the p.m. on Christmas Eve. I'm at my Mom's place, alone. They all went to church, and... I was going to go, I swear I was... but I was falling asleep on the drive here, and I don't think that snoring in the middle of a sermon is a good way to endear myself to people who only see me once a year or so.
I got all my Christmas shopping done early this year... and by early, I mean it was all (essentially) done before the day itself. Except for people who aren't legally related to me. They have to wait with the rest of you. And, for the folks legally required to say they love me, three of them are getting really bad pictures printed out on Christmas Eve of the things that are being shipped to them late because either a) the store was out of stock (not my fault) or b) I forgot to order the the thing even though I had way more than enough time to get it ordered (much my fault).
I'm also going to drop some news on the family tomorrow... news that to date only one of them knows (I think)... it's gonna be interesting to see what they think. On the (very) off chance that any of them read this site, I'm going to hold off on the news until no earlier than tomorrow evening, but more likely I won't be online tomorrow, so it'll probably be something like Tuesday.
-Jon
Can't Sleep, Clown'll Eat Me
Ahhh, you wonderful feeling. Where have you been? It's been too long since our paths crossed last. It was you who kept me reading books until seven a.m.. It was you who made me fall in love with my iPod all over again, because it wouldn't piss off my neighbors. Where have you been, and could you please go back? You were not really missed. And I need to work in 8 hours.
-Jon
Making Myself Better
Someone told me today that I'm good at sharing my emotions and/or thoughts. Which, to be honest, I find a bit... well... funny. I'm not. I'm really not. I tend to hide... I hide in plain sight and I tend to give people exactly what they expect, and given that they're getting what they expect, they tend to not look much further. Or would it be farther? Farther, if I remember, is physical distance isn't it?
I'm trying to be honest, or at least more so, with people, and I'm trying to be more myself. I'm still not very good at it, and it's times like these that a few things will come out that I don't want... and I won't be able to take them back. My only hope is that at the end of this I will remember to hit draft instead of publish and my words will forever be relegated to the abyss that is the mySQL database of this site. Yup... I was speaking Russian there for a minute if you didn't understand me. Deal with it, I'm multilingual.
I'm thinking about loss... loss of someone you know, someone you don't, or just something. It seems as though fate or God or Budda/Muhammed/whoever has decided that today is the day I think about it some. I'm typically not particularly religious, and I certainly don't like the idea that my life is in someone else's hands, but... ... too many things on one day to be just a coincidence... ...... ....... unless you study coincidences... in which case you know that if you flip a coin 100 times, it's likely that it'll come up heads or tails a dozen times in a row at least once in that period. But coin flipping, while fun, isn't really on my mind.
Some shiznit has gone down with me lately, and I haven't talked about it, and I probably won't for a bit. Hell, not too many people in the "Real World" (not the MTV show -- the actual real world... where people have fat, and don't always have ridiculously cool jobs to ignore) even know that there was something maybe going on... ... ... because I don't know how to share.
I've done some good things these last few months, and I'm -- frankly -- very happy with where I am in my life... except that a lot of times I still feel... ... ... I don't know. Something's missing. A hell of a lot less today than a scant few weeks ago, but still. I don't always feel like I can be the person I want to be for my friends, and I don't always feel like I can be the person I want to be for me. Which sucks, because I'm happier with myself today than I've probably ever been. Except for my blog. Oh, how I've neglected you Oh Blog. You who will be coming up on six years old in less than six months... I've paid so little attention to you this last... what? Year? I mean... My Goodness... It's been at least a year since I've made a new template for you... ... I'm thinking it might, almost, be time... ... except that time is a luxury that I'd much rather dedicate to things that are a bit more.. ... ...... ........... tangible. People, places or things.
If you hadn't guessed by now, I can't sleep. I've been exhausted for so long I don't even have the energy to sleep some nights, and it's terrible. Except that... I'm used to it. Which might be even more terrible. Alright, I'm going to crawl under the covers, sing myself a lullaby, give myself a hug, and try to find something to dream about... ... ... ... although, finding something to dream about lately hasn't been nearly as hard as it used to be...
-Jon
Daylight Fading
So, I had a couple of blood tests last week. I had a few conversations with my doctor, and, frankly -- I don't wanna talk about it.
But I'm going to. There are going to have to be a few changes in my life, and I'm not entirely sure what that's going to mean for me... but hopefully it'll all be for the better. Right now, I'm supposed to be getting some work done. Instead of that, I'm just sitting around thinking and thinking and thinking. I don't know what it is, exactly, I'm thinking about and at this point I'm mostly just trying to figure it all out. In my head. And it's like a f*ing merry go round. Look there's a horsey, is that what I should be concentrating on? Nope, maybe it's that horsey, oh crap, are they the same horsey or are they... ... ...
So, yeah. Lots going on in Jon's head. Lots good, some confusing, and quite a bit that's a bit scary. Not the least of which, of course, is that I've made it full circle around the sun one more time without falling off this island we call home. Because of gravity. Or is it a bending of space-time that keeps us constantly falling towards the earth? One or the other. Either way I'm back on the ride for another go-around and hopefully I won't fall off for this, my 28th, turn around the sun. If you are annoyed that you missed my birthday celebration, don't worry, the celebration is this coming friday out at gallaghers... ... oh god, im writing without capitalization or punctuation like a 14 year old cheerleader on her livejournal oh m ygod whats happening 2 me am i turning into the sterotypical blogger that dosnt now how to spell or type or think or talk or ... .... ........ ...................
Don't know what happened there, sorry. Next post will be better, I promise. Until then, TTYL! BFF, right?!
-Jon
Like a Pheonix
The lappy is dead, long live the lappy.
That's right, I've been instructed by Apple Tech Support to nuke the harddrive and start fresh. This is not making Jon a very happy camper. I got this laptop because I was tired of reinstalling my OS once a year. I got this laptop because I wasn't supposed to ever have to deal with the same bulls*t kind of problems I'd been having with my desktop. I bought this laptop because it was supposed to cure f*ing cancer. Ok, fine... I've overstated... The problems, perhaps, aren't bulls*t.
I am Jon's incredible frustration.
-Jon
Life is Beautiful
I got more sleep last night that I have for the previous two (maybe even three) combined.
The Lappy is busted, and I need to get some stuff off of it so I can finish up some work.
My room is messy and I don't have time to clean it.
Exhausted. Exhausted. Exhausted.
Add it all up, along with a few other things going on and my life is, really, utterly fantastic. I bit off too much this fall, I am playing a bit of catch up at work, and I'm not sure when the busybusybusy will end. But I'm having more fun than I have in a while, and damnit if it isn't nice.
-Jon