Facets
This is a really emotionally piece written by someone I've never met, and never read before -- I got a link off a blog earlier today. This man bares his soul; he tells it all and remains standing. He shows his true self, and does it unabashedly and (seemingly) without fear. He talks of pain, sorrow, and regret as tangible things. He talks of how he knows that he's responsible for them... ... ...
I have a lot going on in my life right now. More than most folks really know. Many things that I mention in passing hold much more meaning than I would ever willingly let people know, and as a result I've been... well. I've been drinking a lot. I'm aware of the problem and I'm aware of the remedy. I simply need to stop. It's something I don't want to do yet. Maybe tomorrow, just not today.
I read that piece and I thought about two things, primarily. First: Have I ever been the Initiator? Yes. I have. Have I behaved as the wife in the blog? I hope with everything I am that I haven't acted like that. Some of the things I know I've not done. Some of them, I'm less sure. But mostly, I hope that I can be aware of myself and my situations in the future to make sure that I handle things in a more open and honest way than the wife in that post. Second: Did my Dad feel about me the way that guy did about his son? Honestly -- I doubt it. And I don't know how that makes me feel. Part of me feels like he should have, part of me feels like when he left it was so late in the game it didn't matter, and another part of me feels like even if he did I was so detached at that point that it wouldn't have mattered. Mostly, I wonder what he was thinking. I wonder what my Mom was thinking. My sister. I never talked about this stuff with any of them with any depth. Things came up, but I don't know how it affected them, or what they were going through. It wasn't my resolve to just live through it as thought it were expected and necisarry (it was both), but rather a deeper issue within my family. And now, here I am, 26 years old and not a day wiser than I was when I was 16 and my Dad moved out of my house. I left for spring break with my Mom, and when we came back he was gone (we had warning he was leaving, but -- if I remember correctly -- not until after we had left).
Mostly, at this point, I don't really care about what happened then. It's easy to say, harder to live -- but here I am. It's done, and I need to live my life. Every day goes by and I worry that I may become one of those things that I never wanted to be. The father that leaves. The Mother that doesn't understand what went wrong. The Sister who failed to connect with her brother. Or me. The boy who feared it all, and lived like nothing matters.
Maybe someday I'll be able to look at myself and see something else... but right now. Well. Right now, I've just gotta go to bed.
-Jon
February 17th, 2006 - 00:45
Thanks for the pointer and the kind words, dude. If there’s one thng I’ve learned in recent days, it’s that you gotta take care of your own shit, live up to the high standards you shuld be setting for yourself. Do that and the rest will follow.
February 28th, 2006 - 14:30
Thanks for this post. It really spoke to me. It is tough when we have to live through things that we often feel like we don’t have control over. Listen to yourself when you say that you know what the problems have been and find your solutions. I have learned recently that we often have strength beyond what we think we do. If you ever need an ear that doesn’t live in K-zoo, I am here.